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How to destroy a friendship, in six easy steps! - Hawk's Eyrie
It's all about releasing your inner sociopath
How to destroy a friendship, in six easy steps!
Step 1:
Tell a friend "I saw that you asked about x elsewhere. Here's y to answer that question. Remember this subject, which has nothing to do with me, upsets me, so you shouldn't talk about it freely with other people."

Step 2:
Become disproportionably upset at being told: "Neither X nor Y has anything to do with you. I won't shove it in your face, but there's no reason I can't talk about it with the people it does deal with. Please don't go poking at things you know will upset you, and don't tell me what I can say to other people when the subject does not involve you."

Step 3:
Become an lj drama candidate by becoming over emotional about the entire situation. Without taking time to calm down and review the situation later, unfriend a decade+ friend, as well as start deleting comments in said friends journal. Additionally, make sure you are on a chat messenger with a 3rd party, who never should have been dragged into the situation, and make sure you make it so that they try to calm you down, and fail miserably.

Step 4:
Decide to refriend said friend a few days later, scream in bold letters from your journal that if the friend wants to talk, you'll listen. Without verifying, of course, that said friend is making sure to read the journal of the person that hurt them.

Step 5:
Defriend said friend again. Then start telling outrageous lies about them behind a locked post. The lies need to start after the person whom X actually deals with decides that this drama has gone too far and defriends you, and leaves the friend you were trying to squabble with on their friendslist.

Step 6:
Get called on your lies, and decide to delete your journal.

Step 1:

A few weeks ago, smolder posted some happy news. It was news so happy, that I immediately went and responded "Congrats!", along with a request for more information on the situation. Before I had a chance to see if anything more was posted to his journal, rubyliss emails me with details. She also asks me to be mindful of asking more questions about this in Smolder's journal because she, as she reminds me, has an attachment to Smolder and finds this a painful subject.

As most of you have probably figured out over the years, Lis and I are close. We are very close, or so I thought. I waited a few days before saying anything, because I wanted to calm down and be able to respond rationally without causing an unneeded scene. Two days later, she called me. I was busy dealing with office badness, so I was slightly curt on the phone and said I'd call back later. I left her a message about an hour later, and then she called me back.

Step 2:

It was probably not an ideal time to talk, as work still had me concerned. However, I was determined that waiting longer would not suit us, either, and when she asked me what was wrong (she could tell by my tone), I told her. I said that I did not appreciate being told what to say in someone else's journal, when the situation did not involve her. I would not say something like this to her face, as I knew it upset her, but it's not my job to make sure she doesn't see upsetting things in other people's journals. As well, I'm not going to not wish someone well because she doesn't like the situation. I understand why she does not; however, I have no such qualms and will not temper my joy for Smolder when talking with him directly. I felt it was inappropriate to ask that, and said so. She paused, said goodbye, and tried to hang up. I asked when we'd speak again, she said she didn't know if we would, I said that we would, and she hung up. (Whew! Gotta love the "she said, she said's".)

Step 3:

I rolled me eyes, went and bitched to my programmer ("I feel like I'm in Elath-damned High School again!"), and went back to work. I turned on ICQ and chatted intermittently with kitarra on other subjects, while finishing out my workday. I noticed Lis was on, but was giving her time to cool down before trying to talk with her. About two hours later I had reason to be on my info page and saw that she had defriended me. I also noticed that she'd been going through and deleting her comments in my journal.

Being so upset with me that she defriends me for a while? That makes me unhappy, but it's something that can be dealt with over time. Being so upset that she starts deleting comments in my journal? That was a kick to the stomach. To me, that's saying "Not only do I not want to be talking to you right now, I don't want to have ever talked with you." Considering how close I thought we were, that was nauseating to me.

I went and obliquely started talking to Kitarra about this situation. She confirmed that she knew exactly what I was talking about, as she'd been trying to talk Lis down from defriending me for about 1.5 hours, telling her to wait until she had had time to cool off. We discussed how Lis was being over-emotional over the entire situation (the phrase "drama queen" was bandied about), and how neither of us felt that her response was anywhere near proportional to what actually occured.

Even if I had misunderstood her email (which it doesn't seem that I have), that's the type of argument friend's have, walk away from for a bit, and then talk through. This is not a friendship ending type of argument. No matter how cool or neat or nice or whatever she or I think Smolder is, no friendship is worth ending over a man – any man. Especially when said man has no romantic interest in women at this point in his life.

I went home, mulling over how I felt about this entire situation, and then posted a profanity-ladden reaction to the entire situation. I also took BF's and other friend's advice to just let this lie for a few days. I never went anywhere; I didn't defriend her, I didn't block her email, ICQ, or phone. I just avoided reading anything that she might have said to give us both time to cool down. BF then dragged me off to Yosemite, but not before I noticed that she had refriended me and has posted something directed straight at me. I then ran like hell from my journal so I wouldn't see anything else I might regret later. It was less than 24 hours since the original fight, and I thought it was too soon to start going back and forth on anything.

Step 4:

I discussed what I'd seen with BF while hiking to North Dome. Years ago, when I was much more active on rasfwrj, I'd said that if someone wants me to know something they shouldn't just post it in the newsgroup. If it's important enough that you want to make sure I see it, email or call me. Don't put it out in a public forum hoping I'll see it. In essence, however, that's what Lis did.

I wasn't ready to cut her out of my life at that point, but neither was I really ready to read anything from her. Hence, I was trying to ignore what she was writing. So I didn't consider a shout at me from a journal entry to be a genuine attempt to contact me. Not only did I not consider it a reasonable attempt, the tone of the post (even after edited) was rather bitchy and cutting. I didn't know she had blocked my email. I didn't know she had removed me from her AIM list. And I didn't need to know any of that. She could have just said "If you want to talk, contact me". She didn't have to list everything that she'd done to try and cut me out of her life.

So I ignored what she wrote, and put up my post on North Dome. About a day after that, I was defriended again.

Step 5:
I'd angsted and talked about this with a few friends. I was mostly trying to avoid dragging anyone else in on this, as the only people this should have been between were her and me. Even if she needed someone to vent at, Kitarra was, in my opinion, a spectacularly bad choice as she and Smolder are very close. That's putting her in the middle of something she really shouldn't have been involved in. Smolder getting involved was also wrong. He should never have had to deal with someone throwing a fit over him being happy. If she truly wanted to try and be happy for him, she should have kept it between the two of us. I can handle being a whipping boy on occasion. That's what good friends are for. This went too far, though. Especially considering that the whole argument is the type that I left behind in high school. I had little tolerance for these types of boy dramatics then, and I feel I'm far too old to need to have to deal with it now.

At this point, as hurt as I was, I was hoping that we would reconcile. I had no clue if we'd be able to be as close as we once were, but it feels like a piece of me is missing. We talked and laughed about comics, fanfic, life, work on the phone so often. I still have to sometimes remind myself that I'm not calling her to tell her about something. Seeing the items that she's given me as gifts sitting on my desk at work or in the office at home hurts, too. It's a reminder that things have gone so south, so quickly, and for no real good reason.

I gave Lis her space, hoping things would clear themselves up. I didn't hear anything from her, and I just went about my daily routine, while occasionally muttering how it's "An Argument! Over a Boy! Who's Gay! I'm too old for this!" I talked about it a bit with both Smolder and Kitarra, as they were already dragged into this.

During this time period, Smolder was pruning his friend's list. After sending her a polite note, he cut her from his list. That was his choice entirely, and I never said one word to him about what he should decide. It's his journal, and his right to decide who gets to read his posts and whom he wishes to read. The day after getting the note (the day she got it?), she posted a locked post a friend told me about stating that I was the one who had a problem with Smolder being gay, and that she had defended him to me. The post ended with being boggled that he had cut off contact with her and kept me around.

Dealing with something like this is as bad as being asked, "When did you stop beating your wife?". No matter what answer you give, you wind up seeming guilty of beating your wife, even if you never did. Suffice it to say, I don't have a wife, I wouldn't beat her if I did, nor was this statement true. Other than the fact that Smolder left me on his list and got rid of her after sending a note, the rest of the post was total fabrication. Other things might have been said about me in that week, or since, and all I ask is that people check with me before believing what's being said about me. I might be a complete and utter sociopath in many regards, but until now I have done my damndest to not say anything that would tank this friendship forever.

I know that the friend should never have shared the locked post with me, but I'm glad that they did. This is the sort of thing that can easily stab one in the back when they don't know they need to be protecting themselves. Additionally, this… this kills any idea what we can go back to the way we were. I've had a lot of people telling me that this friendship is just over. I should just let it die. However, I've invested a lot of time, energy, and emotions in this relationship. I don't want it to be over, despite the fact that her behavior boggles me so much. For me to be able to move past this there would have to be one hell of a good apology, but I'm still not going anywhere. I'm not changing my ICQ, email, LJ, or phone number, nor am I blocking anything. And if I ever pick up a phone, you can damn well know I know whom I'm talking with, as we have caller ID on the house phone as well as our cells.

Step 6:
I know that at least one person called her on her words about me. I've been told that another told her to grow up. Whatever it was that was said, it was enough to make her decide to delete her journal. I have no clue if she'll bring it back, and I have no idea what's going on with her.

It's a very weird feeling, not being able to pick up the phone and talk with her. I'm not sure I like the feeling, but I also don't like feeling the betrayal and hurt that was foisted on me.

Maybe, in the future, she'll contact me. Maybe she'll give me a good enough reason for why she did what she did that I can forgive this. Even if this entire debacle started because I misunderstood what she said, none of this had to happen. We could have dealt with it in a more mature fashion. Instead we have her throwing tantrums, telling lies about me, and walking away from this situation; I've just become more and more withdrawn from most people around me. I don't tend to trust much in the first place, and this doesn't help much.

Of all the things she had to say about me, making me sound homophobic just sickens me. Not that I would have been happy if she'd said anything else to hurt me; however, with all the true and hurtful things she knows about me that she could have used, why choose a lie? I never actually defriended her until after I'd found out about this lie. That hurt me too much to even leave a deleted journal friended to mine. I'd already taken down and saved the lj icons she had made for me, as I couldn't bear to look at them at the moment. But I never actually defriended her until this week.

And there, gentle audience, is the whole, sordid, tale. Kitarra and Smolder can confirm their parts, and have given me permission to post what I'm saying that involves them. Please don't get upset for their sakes.

I'm not trying to cry out for sympathy or pity; this is mostly cathartic for myself. I know that I did my best to try and not let myself get overwhelmed with anger over this. When I thought I might, I stepped back and didn't say anything for a few hours or more. I know that it takes two to argue, but I did my best to not fight. It seems that there was a fight to be had, no matter what I did, and I'm really sorry any of you got involved in this. It never should have gone beyond her and me. Never. But now that it has, at least everyone has an understanding of what all the angst and anger swirling around them is.

I also know that there's a hypocrisy here of me stating that this should never have been made public, and me making a public post about this. However, she is not on my friend's list. Even if her journal still was, it's currently deleted. I am not going to say something like this without giving her the chance to even see what I wrote, if she's curious to come looking at my journal. I'm not going to have something like this said behind her back.

Tags: , ,

37 talons or Rake your talons?
neonnurse From: neonnurse Date: July 14th, 2006 07:07 pm (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)

Well, I know darn well you aren't homophobic, so I can be your character witness in that regard. :) Just don't go stirring up trouble between me and my Sekrit Boyfriends Jon Stewart and Kyan from Queer Eye (yes, the clone and I are in a poly relationship with them and so many, many others), and we'll be fine.
merhawk From: merhawk Date: July 16th, 2006 07:27 am (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)
Hmm... not stir up trouble. I'm not sure I can do that! I seem to be a trouble magnet.

I can at least promise that I'll leave you Stewart and Kyan, if you leave me Alan Rickman. Deal?

[And thanks.]
neonhummingbird From: neonhummingbird Date: July 14th, 2006 07:27 pm (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)
Huh. So that's where Lis went. I only got little pieces here and there and, frankly, I'm grateful for it.

So, < hugs >. If Lis's journal was still up, I'd be giving her a few too, because both of you are my buds and no way am I getting anywhere near the middle of this, except to be unhappy that it's happening.

(And rest assured, if I ever have a problem with you, I have no reservations whatsoever about saying it to your face (so to speak), having a big shouting fight, and then getting over it. :) Probably all within about 2 hours, knowing me.)
merhawk From: merhawk Date: July 16th, 2006 07:29 am (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)
*hugs back* Thanks.

And, believe me, I have no desire to tell anyone who they can and can not be friends with. If it ever looks like I'm trying to do that, smack me. I don't want y'all in the middle of this, and I don't want you to feel like you have to choose sides.

Hopefully we'll never have to have that knock-down, drag-out fight. Unless we do it to amuse ourselves. Which we should probably never do. Enjoy WorldCon!
From: cocoajava Date: July 14th, 2006 07:32 pm (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)
Yep, she can still read your journal if it's an open post, people don't need to have an lj of their own to do that. In fact, the odds are very good that she's reading this entry, and my comment right here, too. Hi, Liss. *waves*

I can't see any way to reason through this unreasonable situation. Honestly, I find it offensive that her feelings towards Smolder would used as emotional ammunition towards friends. Here's a lesson we all shoulda learned in fifth grade: Not every crush is returned. That's life. You deal. You don't lash out.

Be that as it may - some crushes ARE returned, and I could not be any more happy for Smolder if I physically tried. I refuse to let these theatrics dampen the mood. And I am very, very sorry you got hauled around through the muck like this.
merhawk From: merhawk Date: July 16th, 2006 07:31 am (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)
Thanks. It's a hard situation. I wish it had never gotten to the point where posts like this were made. I really do. I especially wish it had never gotten to the point where Smolder even knew about this. He really doesn't deserve this at all.

Eventually it won't hurt so much. Today's not that day, though.
khriskin From: khriskin Date: July 14th, 2006 07:35 pm (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)
... *hug*
merhawk From: merhawk Date: July 16th, 2006 07:32 am (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)
*hugs back*
From: i_aldarion Date: July 14th, 2006 07:45 pm (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)
I caught bits and shreds of this from Smolder, too. I am so sorry that all this crap happened. It's not fair for anyone involved, and it generally just stinks. :-( It sounds like she's in a troubled place right now- I hope she finds her way back onto her right path. I am sending you LOTS of hugs and platonic tranny kisses- because they're good luck, you know. ;-)
merhawk From: merhawk Date: July 16th, 2006 07:35 am (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)
Thanks. One day, this won't be quite so painful for any of us. We're nowhere near that, now.

And I can't take the tranny kisses unless you share with BF! He gets jealous when I get all the good luck and kisses from pretty boys. *grin*
kittnslave From: kittnslave Date: July 14th, 2006 08:13 pm (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)
I can also vouch that you are not homophobic - considering you even sleep (platonically of course) with this little bi-girl. And my very gay brother never bothered you more than he is a schmuck.

I am sorry all this has happened hon.

You know that you can always call me - even if I never seem to be around.
merhawk From: merhawk Date: July 16th, 2006 07:36 am (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)
Thanks, luv. You know me... I've been mostly hiding from everyone in my own, don't have to deal with people, world.

I know you're there, but it's always nice to hear it said.
smolder From: smolder Date: July 14th, 2006 08:17 pm (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)

I've said it before, I'll say it again. I am so sorry. I know that likely
there was nothing I could have done to change the course of things, but I
still feel bad about all this.

And to anyone reading, Hawk is telling the absolute stone-cold truth.
From: cocoajava Date: July 14th, 2006 09:13 pm (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)
I can't see where you have *anything* to apologize for. Just be happy, dammit, or I'll smack you. Or something. :)
(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
From: ex_rubyliss861 Date: July 15th, 2006 12:35 am (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)


It was never my intention to imply that Hawk was homophobic. For that, I apologize. I've posted another apology on my LJ and left it open to public access.
merhawk From: merhawk Date: July 16th, 2006 08:34 am (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)

Re: Apology

Thank you for your clarification.

Please either amend your original post, or remove it entirely.

Additionally, unless you want to mend anything with me, please remove me from your friend's list.

Thank you.
dawnmipb From: dawnmipb Date: July 15th, 2006 02:31 am (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)
*smooths feathers*

You know where I am if ever you need me.
merhawk From: merhawk Date: July 16th, 2006 07:45 am (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)
I know.

And thanks.

I'm just mostly withdrawn right now.
trishalynn From: trishalynn Date: July 17th, 2006 12:34 am (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)
Wow. And here I thought we were all old enough to be above such drama.

To be devil's advocate, I think I can see why she sent the original email because I've had a crush on smolder for a very long time (which Kelly knew about and encouraged!) and knowing that he's forever off my list of eligible men saddens me. Her actions afterwards, though... I can't even try to explain or rationalize those because again, we're all adults now; not hormone-ridden youngsters.

When we first met, you struck me as a very tough cookie and I really do admire how you tried to handle this. Though it may suck, sometimes taking the higher road is better.
merhawk From: merhawk Date: July 19th, 2006 06:53 am (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)
Thanks, but even taking the high road doesn't make it less painful.

And there's nothing wrong with liking Smolder - even like liking. *grin* It's just the actions that are taken around it that can be suspect.
From: chrisrw109 Date: July 17th, 2006 11:09 am (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)


Was off the world for a bit with work stuff and came back to see that cycle of posts. :(

Sorry that things exploded with you and liss, it was easy to see from your posts that you were close and I know that there's got to have been a healthy portion of 'Wait... *this* is the dealbreaker?' going on along with all the other feelings.

If you need to talk, I'm around, never quite as close as I hope to be, but never all that far either.
merhawk From: merhawk Date: July 19th, 2006 06:52 am (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)

Re: Ack....

I know, Chris, and thanks. I'm just trying to put all this past me at this point.
From: magentathompson Date: July 19th, 2006 04:31 am (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)
merhawk let me talk about her boobies! And I'm black! DOUBLE SCORE!!!!
merhawk From: merhawk Date: July 19th, 2006 06:42 am (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)

You know I adore you, right?
From: silmaril Date: July 19th, 2006 03:32 pm (UTC) (Permanent Entry Link)
Sordid tale, indeed. I mean, wow.

Sorry you had to deal with this, at our age, too. Seriously. I understand people in pain can do and say weird things, but there is always a limit, or should be...
37 talons or Rake your talons?